A sad little girl......

Emma Sage is one sad little girl today.  Her sweet kitty, Gracie, was hit by a car on our lane.  She and I were outside watering plants when we saw the car go by quickly and we heard a loud 'bump'. 

My heart paused when I heard it, and I began to pray that it was just a limb or branch that tend to fall to the road from time to time.  I slowly went to the arbor gate and peeked on the road, hoping to see a piece of wood.

But it was not.....it was a beautiful gray kitty, laying there.

I asked Emma Sage to quickly get a towel from the bathroom and to call her brother Otto to come help. 

I scooped Gracie up and brought her to the front porch, where we held her and cried as she took her last breathes.  

Emma Sage and I sat there for a long time.  Talking to her and telling her how much we loved her and that she was the bestest kitty in the whole world [which she was].  The Cicada's were singing their summer song as we sat and mourned this loss.

Emma Sage told me that she could still feel her heart beeping and that she was just sleeping.  I tried explaining death to her again, and she told me that 'she knows, Gracie is in heaven with Nana' but she continued to tell me she was just asleep, and I hugged her and let her know that it was a beautiful, eternal sleep.

We buried her under the Cherry tree. 

Emma Sage and I made a cross out of sticks and placed flowers from the garden on sweet Gracie's grave.

A friend of mine had posted a thought that resonated exactly what we experienced yesterday and wanted to share it here.

"The Cicada Chorus and the Katydid Cantata remind me that as the ocean waves count the pulse of the earth and the passage of time......all things change and all things stay the same. Hello and goodbye really DO mean the same thing. Love is what remains........."

Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam  ~~ Rest in Peace sweet kitty

The Year of the Rabbit ~ The Gift of a Grandmother

Today is a very emotional day for me, as I have lost the last ‘Mother’ in my life…..my sweet, beloved Mamie.

I am a Mother myself [and at times feel so inadequate and inept at that privilege of being called ‘Mother’]……and long to have my own Mother or Grandmother comfort me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. It is a vulnerable feeling……as you feel truly alone, as our ‘Mothers’ are our special gifts, the ones that comfort and console and even if they can’t make things right ~ they let you know you are loved and adored unconditionally…..and that knowledge makes everything alright in the world.

Today is also the Chinese Lunar New Year.

I have an affinity for the moon, so the Lunar New Year has always been a special time for me.

It is the year of the Rabbit.

As with any tradition, there are a myriad of interpretations as to the meaning of what this means, especially with something as uncertain and broad as a full year.

Reflecting on the Beauty and Grace of the Matriarch of my family, I am going to identify the characteristics of my ‘Rabbit’ based on the spirit of Mamie.

I choose to make this the year of peace, of the calming of my nerves, so that I can embrace and deal with whatever challenges may arise. I am focusing on creating a calm, peaceful sustainable lifestyle. Mamie was the most brilliant at being thrifty and she and my PopPop planted the most incredible gardens……….in honor of her spirit, I will work hard to make my gardens as bountiful and beautiful as hers.

As the rabbit is the symbol of the moon, I vow to celebrate by stepping out into the night often, and to look at the moon, to howl at it and to visualize myself surrounded in its glow. In that glow I will bounce my dreams off of and celebrate the gift of each day.

This particular Year of the Rabbit is a metal one — as opposed to a water, wood, fire or earth Year of the Rabbit. To get a feel for what that might mean, I consider the attributes of metal, and the ones I choose to focus on and subsequently emulate are firmness of principles and strength of purpose. With these in mind, I vow to hold true to my ideals.

In Chinese thought, the negative aspect or emotion of the Year of the Rabbit is grief; the positive emotion for the year is courage. Once again, I choose to decide which aspects to embrace and which to ignore, and in this case I shall endeavor to reflect fearlessness and in the moment of this day, I embrace the grief of the loss of my beloved Mamie……but in that grief ~ I look to the amazing Blessing she was in my life and celebrate her life and vow to embody her Grace in all of my daily actions.

Now the meaning is set and the day is upon me, let me move forward in Grace.

The Beatitudes for Friends of Exceptional Children

Blessed are you who take time to listen to difficult speech:
For you help us to know that if we persevere,
We can be understood.

Blessed are you who walk with us in public places,
And ignore the stares of strangers,
For in your companionship,
We find havens of peace.

Blessed are you who never bid us to "hurry up",
And more blessed are you
Who do not snatch tasks from our hands to do them for us,
For often we need time rather than help.

Blessed are you who stand beside us
As we enter new and untried ventures,
For our failures will be outweighed
By the times we surprise ourselves and you.

Blessed are you who ask for our help,
For our greatest need is to be needed.

Blessed are you when you assure us,
That the one thing that makes us individuals
Is not in our peculiar muscles,
Nor in our wounded nervous systems,
Nor in our difficulties in learning,
Nor any exterior difference.
But is in our inner, personal, individual self
Which no affirmity can diminish or erase.

~~Author Unknown

The Power of Pizza

Pizza - peet-suh –noun
* a flat, open-faced baked pie of Italian origin, consisting of a thin layer of bread dough topped with spiced tomato sauce and cheese, often garnished with anchovies, sausage slices, mushrooms, etc

Sas*sy [sas-ee] –adjective * fresh, impertinent, impudent, overbold, saucy

And no, I am not talking about the *saucy* you put on a pizza pie.

I am talking about this little angelic looking child.

See this face, this is the face of one very sassy little girl. Lately she has been full of spitfire.

She is nine going on 19. She has decided of late to push the envelope, to test those of us ‘in charge’.

Yesterday I got a call from her teacher. She dared her teacher ‘to call my Mother’ after the first time she was given the chance to make a ‘good’ choice.

Her crime? Dancing in the middle of the classroom.

On the third chance Mrs. Andrade had no choice but to call.

My heart stopped when I glanced at my cell phone lighting up on my desk….and recognized the phone number as the school’s phone number.

“Hello” I answer [dreading the words I might hear next]

“Hello Mrs. Hintz, this is Mrs. Andrade. I am sorry to bother you at work, but Emma Sage has been given three chances to make a good choice and she knew that if she did not do that, I had to call you [as you know if I use it as a consequence I have to follow through"  [I so love this teacher]

I ask "what is her crime?"
“She is dancing in the middle of the classroom and will not come over to her desk to go to the next task at hand” Mrs. Andrade continues

[now mind you, this is all new to me. My older three never, ever got into trouble at school. They were the children that teachers raved about as always listening and doing as they were told]……My Katrina actually told me last night as I was telling her the story that she would have been petrified at the thought of her teacher having to call me to report bad behavior]

And here is little Miss Emma Sage daring her teacher to*call my Mother*.

Yikes [can I get a prescription for Valium?]
My little imp gets on the phone….bright and cheerful is her voice.

“Hi Mommy. I love you.” she joyfully says

Sigh, now I have to be the mean one.

“Emma Sage, you need to make a good choice and stop dancing in the middle of the classroom and get back to your work. I am very sad that your teacher had to call me.” I say.

“Katrina say’s I’m a good girl”. is her response.......an indication to me that she is dismissing me and not listening to what I am saying.

“You are a good girl; you just need to listen to your teacher right now!!!!”  I continue, hoping she listens to me.

“OK Mommy, bye” she says.

Mrs. Andrade gets back on and says “Thank you”

I respond “I am so sorry; I will have a stern talking with her tonight”

Ugh.

I get off the phone and call Katrina and tell her under no circumstance are you to get her the treat you promised her today ‘a strawberry smoothie’ and I asked her and Greta to both have a ‘heart-to-heart’ talk with this sassy little imp.

When I got home, I got a big hug and a ‘I am sorry’

I sat her down and pulled out the big guns.

“If you do not behave tomorrow, we will NOT be having Friday Pizza Night”

“I will be good Mommy” she says, as sweet as can be.

[and I would be lying if I also didn’t mention that I also very sternly told her if the teacher EVER has to call me again about negative behavior, she will never, ever have pizza again ~lol…you know I’m joking about the pizza]

You can imagine the feeling I had this morning when that cell phone of mine started ringing from the school.

“Sugar” I thought [yes, I candy-coated that thought]

“Hello” I hesitantly say.

“Good morning Mrs. Hintz, it is Colleen Andrade. How are you today?”

I pause, thinking to myself [well I don’t know, but I guess I will after I hear what you have to say?!?]

“Good, thank you…..and you?” [Dear Lord, please let it be good news]

“I am wonderful and Emma Sage is having a fantastic day……I don’t know what you said to her, but she is back to her typical, happy, complacent self!” she continues “I told her I was going to call you to tell you how well she is doing, listening, making good choices.

I laugh [and sigh a deep, deep sigh]….”Oh thank goodness……I told her that she was not going to have pizza tonight if she did not listen in school "


“Well, it is working wonderfully!” she replies.

“I am so thankful and I thank you for all your patience. Have a great weekend” I reply

Hanging up the phone I sigh and I realize the ‘Power of Pizza’

Momma has a new gun in the arsenal……......a cheesy, saucy, doughy, delicious treat ~ Pizza!

"The bridge will only take you halfway there, to those mysterious lands you long to see. Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fair, and moonlit woods where unicorns run free. So come and walk awhile with me and share the twisting trails and wondrous worlds I've known. But this bridge will only take you halfway there. The last few steps you have to take alone — Shel Silverstein

Sesame Street: Will.i.am's Song "What I Am"

Emma Sage has taught me exactly what this song implies.......never give up, keep on reaching higher and what you are is perfectly you! There is no one else exactly like you, and there is nothing you can't achieve if you believe in your self! Thanks Will i am.....

Remembering my Sweet Mother......

The hero is one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by. The saint is the man who walks through the dark paths of the world, himself a light.
- Felix Adler, 1851 - 1933




‎'Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take nothing that you have received...…but only what you have given' ~ Saint Francis of Assisi

Conversations with Emma Sage

This child can always make me feel a full range of emotions by her sweet conversation's.

Earlier today we were out running errands.

She asks me "Mommy will you get me a car for my birthday?"

I reply "A real Car?"

"Yes, a real car. A real yellow car" she responds.

so I say "For which birthday?" and she pipes in

"For my Sweet 16 silly"

lol........seriously. The funny thing is, she is absolutely serious about getting her drivers license. I know it has been achieved by others with Down syndrome, and I don't doubt my little girl at all that she too will achieve this goal....considering her mind is already set on it. [and she is stubborn when she has her mind set on something!]

Then a little while later she says to me......

"In nine more years I will be in college"

I look in the rear view mirror at her grinning face.

"Yes, 9 more years I reply" my heart sinking a little bit at the thought~

and then she asks "Are you going to miss me?"

Whaaaaa......talk about tugging at this Mommas heartstrings.

"Yes, I say....with all my heart and soul I will miss you."

"good" is her matter-of-fact response.

I guess this Momma can't keep her baby from growing up.

Sigh.

Stand By Me - completely unknown artists

We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects." ~Herman Melville ............we are so Blessed to be part of the collective whole. Celebrate this day!!!!!

God Doesn't Make Mistakes - Down syndrome song CD

i have a voice - Down syndrome Awareness Project

There are times........

that I realize that I am living in a bubble. I live my life purely, simply, compassionately and lovingly. I have nurtured, nourished and raised my children in love. I have taught them to think outside of themselves and I am very proud of all the volunteering they do, on their own, with their own free will.

I had a Mother who gave the clothes off her backs for others.....her food, her heart, her home. I aspire to live as authentically as my Beloved Mother did, as her greatest gift was of friendship for those who truly needed a friend.

I am humbled to see others give freely, of their time, of their money, of their talents and of their hearts.

I try to live each day ~ with the thoughts that if I can do something to help another human being, I have done a good days work.

Through this blog, I have tried to show the world the normalcy of difference. To see that everyone is a child of GOD.

I live in the richest country of the world.....I live in a Valley that is picturesque, fertile, safe and truly a little piece of heaven on earth.

I was born into Freedom. I have never wanted for food, clothing or shelter.

and then I meet a friend from Burma, and my eyes are wide open. Everything that I know, I believe, I feel ~ is shaken........because I really don't know.

I don't know what it is like to live without the right to speak freely, to worship freely, to Mother without the fear of my child dying of starvation, or from abuse, or from random acts of violence.

I don't know what it is like to not have fresh water, enough food to eat, a place to live, clothes to protect me from the elements or the freedom to live in peace.

I truly don't know...........

I want to be a catalyst for change.

Please join me in raising our voices for Freedom for all people.....................

"We need not think alike to love alike." ~Francis David

Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam

Rest in Peace Man in Black.......

In reflection of September 11th - may we all find it in our heart to sing a song of Freedom, for all people.

Freedom from Prejudice

Freedom from Hunger

Freedom from persecution and slavery

Freedom from hatred and cold hearts

More Magic from my dear friend Fran.......

I believe in angels........

both celestial and earth born.

My dear online Fran is exactly that......an earth born Angel. She always knows how to touch my heart and brighten my days.

Our paths crossed by the amazing paradigm of the Internet.......she stumbled upon me because of my sweet little earth Angel Emma Sage and my blogging and capturing her life in photographs and words.

On her own, she reached out to me and asked to use a photograph.........thanking me for allowing her to do just that. Little did she know, I am the one who gives her 'Thanks' everyday.......for seeing the beauty in my child - Emma Sage and for creating for me gifts of Magic by her talent in taking my photographs and turning them into precious memories for me.

Today I give thanks.......to Fran and all the other amazing souls out there who reach out to others and who see the beauty in all of GODs children.

Peace and love, Tara Marie

Remembrance.......

Nine years ago..........September 11, 2001

Nine years ago.............our world shook. It wasn't because of a natural disaster, like the Tsunami or Hurricane Katrina, but it was a far worse disaster ~ because it was created by human hatred

Life for our family is good [we are truly blessed] and the morning of September 11, 2001 found us in our typical daily routine.........up early, breakfast, drive the children to school and then Emma Sage and I would come home to a quite morning.

Rick was in Montreal, Canada, for school [we had been up to see him a week earlier and spent a glorious vacation touring Montreal, driving home Labor Day weekend.........because of the terror attacks Rick was not able to return home to us for days.]

I dropped Katrina and Greta off at Woodglen and then drove down the valley to drop Otto off at school at Valley View. On the way to Valley View I noticed a plane flying very low..........lower than I have ever seen a commercial flight on the flight pattern we see from our area heading to Newark Airport. I notice planes all the time because of Ricks career in aviation. I shrugged it off as maybe I was just off my bearings that morning.

It was truly a glorious September day,,,,,,,,,,,,,the sky was bright blue, the air was dry and warm, the landscape was draped in light that just made it look like a Rembrandt painting.

Emma Sage and I got home and went inside to hear the phone ringing. I answered the phone and it was my sister Patti, telling me to turn on the news as a small plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. I had a brief moment of fear..............I had worked for years in the area and at one point in my life, had dinner at least once a week at Windows of the World,,,,,,,,,,,,,and then another sinking fear, I was supposed to be at a financial conference put on by Risk/Waters magazine this morning, but I had turned the job down because I just couldn't leave Emma Sage.


I watched the TV,,,,,talking with Patti on the phone. I said to her that I couldn't believe a small plane could have done such damage. I started to cry...........holding Emma Sage in my arms, pacing back and forth, kissing her sweet head and talking with Patti.........
and then BAMM!!!!

In horror my sister and I [on the phone with each other] watched the second plane crash into the second tower. I knew as I watched the plane that it was a big commercial plane and at that exact moment I knew this was a calculated attack.

Patti and I were both crying,,,,,trying to come to terms with what we just saw. All along I clutched this precious child of mine to my chest. Not wanting to let go of her, afraid of what was going on.

This was familiar territory to me..........buildings that were an important part of my life. I watched these buildings being built,,,,,my father driving us to the city from time to time to marvel at the progress of the towers going up,up,up,,,up. A fellow skydiver friend of mine jumped off the Trade Center. I dined at Windows of the World weekly for a few years, I traveled through the towers everyday to the American Express tower in the Financial Trade Center and the building I worked in for Merrill Lynch was the last building to fall on that fateful day. As I watched the TV screen, I was paralyzed by fear and overcome by a sadness that was, to this day, so utterly profound.


I tried to call Rick and after hours I was finally able to get through to him in Canada to let him know what was happening in the states.

I then I felt so alone. Watching the horror unfold............talking to my sister and crying, and holding my precious little girl.


As time has moved forward, I realize that there is a reason for everything [sometimes many reasons] and I know that Emma Sage is a blessing in multiple ways..........but one incredible feeling I will never release is the feeling that I have knowing that her extra chromosome [her Down syndrome] is a major reason I was not at the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.


Her birth made Rick and I realize that my being home with the children [but especially this child],,,,giving up much in the way of income,,,,meant that she would have only family to care for her..........to work with her,,,to help her develop to her fullest potential, and it kept me home on that fateful Tuesday in September.


Today I remember a dear friend, David E. Rivers,Editor of Risk/Waters Magazine.......You were truly an amazing man, editor, writer, friend, husband and father. David, you are missed dearly and will never be forgotten.





This is the memorial at our township park.....these are beams from one of the World Trade Center buildings.



2,996.........
Otto helped place these flags on the field on Wednesday evening with his Boy Scout troop.......he said that each flag he placed, he had to hold back tears......


Written by a child........may we always remember.

........and on this Eve of September 11th, I reflect with even sadder and more profound tears of remembrance, as a very dear friend of mine was a first responder whose life has been deeply changed because of all he witnessed and dealt with on the scene.

I am humbled by the dignity, bravery, grace, compassion and nobility exhibited by all those who went forward without thought of themselves to help others.

I am saddened to hear others talk lightly about what happened.......and I pray that we never, ever forget what truly happened on that fateful day.

May we always remember.......

May we always remember........

Quiet Reflection

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” ~Barbara De Angelis

I took this today at our Church picnic........we were waiting on the banks of the South Branch of the Raritan River for the ducks to float downstream for the 'Duck Race'.....

Little Miss loves the water [as does her Momma......this is the same place I have been coming to since I was a little girl, to sit out on the water on a rock and read or just daydream]

Lately, I have been struggling......being pulled in so many directions. Giving so much of myself on so many levels and today, just standing in the water [yes, I took off my shoes and had to wade in] I realized that these quiet times......these moments of reflection are what have been missing in my life.

I took a hot bath tonight.......and I'm leaving the 'To-Do' list sitting on the table. It will be there tomorrow and I can only do what I can do. It is a difficult journey flying solo all the time, but it is not impossible. I just need to keep repeating to myself "I can only do what I can do ~ and it is going to be OK"

So sweet dreams world.......

Tomorrow is another day.

I think it annoys God if you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice.
- ~Alice Walker From "The Color Purple

Today has been such a beautiful day [and it is only half over]......the glorious feeling I had from the moment I awoke to a delicious summer morning.....cool, sunny, breezy and just utterly perfect, was echoed again at church. Emma Sage radiates such joy at church, she truly feels the spirit. Today was a baptism, so this Momma's heart always swells with the overwhelming love that only a Mother can feel......a pure unconditional love for your child, every child.

Then our word of the lord today came from Luke 14:7......and it resonated with me.

I choose to be the humble quest, to open my heart, my life to everyone.........not only those who might serve my life some purpose. I choose pure unconditional love and friendship and fellowship.

and then this song came to mind............and I had to share. Being a Mother of a child with different needs has opened my heart and mind in ways I could have never imagined.

But the biggest realization has been that the gift of unconditional love and acceptance are truly the greatest gifts we have.....and ones that are freely bestowed upon us by GOD.

the ebb and flow of life......

~~~life has been very rich and full of late, and at times confusing and overwhelming. I find when I am being swept into the raging currents of the river, it is best for me to just hold on and enjoy the ride, keeping sight in the distance for smoother waters.......whereas that time I can relax a moment and sit and reflect and in the case of my photography and blog, sit and edit and post.

I have also come to find that the paradigm of Facebook, as made it easier for me to leave little snippets of life and the goings on of Emma Sage, her siblings and myself there......thus this blog, this passion of mine to share with the world the normalcy of difference gets neglected.

But, even though we have be moving through currents, they are not all that bad and overwhelming......in fact, most of it has been exhilarating and bursting with love and life.

Emma Sage has been having a glorious summer......she is so darn sweet and just the best adaptable child ever. It has been a full year since I had to leave the life I lived [and absolutely cherished] to return to the 'real' world to provide benefits [and income] for my family.

In this time, Emma Sage has accepted these radical changes [I had never, ever been away from her] with such grace and understanding. My days are long, I leave before 8 and return after 6 but this little girl has just gone with the flow.

We now have a new change in her routine about to set forth, as Otto [my little man] was the one who would watch her for me after school until I got home. Well, my little man is growing up and in high school now and a whole world of activities and life awaits him. He is playing football at Voorhees and has informed me that he is planning on running for Freshman Class President. So my wonderful built-in babysitter is no longer available [I was a spoiled and lucky Momma to have such a great son who did this job without pay and without complaint] [although I did surprise him often with Xbox games and Itune cards.....]

I have decided to use the after school program for Emma Sage's care which is run by Camp Bernie YMCA. It is a funny coincidence because this is the same camp where Emma Sage's Daddy worked at in summers during high school and it had been owned at that time by friends of mine.

Momma's heart is heavy at putting her in aftercare, as I was the Mother who all the children whose parents had to work came to after school and I watched for them......allowing them the deliciousness of being in a loving home, with fresh baked goodies and the ability to just 'unwind' after school.........so I am sad.

On the other-hand, Emma Sage seems to be quite excited about the prospect of aftercare, so I have been finding the silver-lining in this new adventure.

I am editing photographs this afternoon and it is my hope of hopes to get back into my routine of updating here......sharing all my little imp is up too.

I will sign-off on one funny.

This is Emma Sage's new puppy [more on Rasta to follow]......well, Emma Sage absolutely adores this puppy. They are inseparable. Greta decided to take Rasta to college for a week. The first night Emma Sage cried a bit for her puppy but got over her 'missing her' quickly. The next evening I tell Emma Sage that Greta had called and that Rasta had pee'd on the chair.



Emma Sage laughs and then says "Great, my plan is working"

so I look at her and say "your plan"

and she said "yes, my plan. If Rasta is bad Greta won't want her anymore"

lol......

She seriously thought that the puppy peeing was part of her great master plan [not just because she is a young puppy and not 100% trained]

lol

Bob Marley - Redemption Song Live In Dortmund, Germany

“There is no way to peace, peace is the way.”
~A. J. Muste