Sunday, April 15, 2007

Happy Birthday Mom

Today was my Mother's birthday. She would have been 65 years old. She had always looked forward to this day, as she was excited to be able to retire and spend more time with her children and grand-children and garage saling. [is that the right way spell it?]

Yesterday and today were both very hard days for me. I found myself crying.....deep profound tears. At one point I was so thankful for the nor-easter we are having that the rain that is pounding down, as my tears felt like they had welcomed company.

I went to the grave yesterday to do some spring cleaning before the storm. Her grave had settled and there were gaping holes. I got 5 bags of top soil and two bags of manure/hummas and filled and raked and seeded. I planted our Easter flowers [white tulips] in the planter and 'tidied up' the beautiful tributes to Mom that have been left by family and friends. I then went to Country flowers to pick up an arrangement for my Mom's dearest friend RoseMary [who is on vacation in Florida] and brought them to the grave....I took pictures in the beautiful afternoon light [so RoseMary could see how wonderful they were]. I laied down for a bit and talked with Mom.......God I miss her so much.

I realized upon lying there, what a beautiful, peaceful spot she is at......birds chirped in the trees, a grey squirell entertained me by leaping from tree to tree. The quite sounds of our little valley....the church bells rang and I realized I had been visiting for quite some time. I watched the sun setting and realized that the storm would be approaching that evening and I better protect the flowers. So I headed down to the store and got a plastic Rubbermaid clear container. It fit perfectly over the arrangement. I found some fieldstones at the edge of the graveyard and Mr. Nagy's field....and placed them on top. Making a little fortress for such beautiful flowers from such a beautiful friend.

Today I clipped coupons. My Mother always clipped coupons out for my sister, brother and I.....she loved to be trifty....and I follow in her footsteps. So I clipped, crying remembering all the times she would sit with me and ask me if I would use such and such a product...and then clip it for me.

Greta and I {I was spoiled this weekend of getting some time out alone, as Rick is home and he was playing with Emma Sage and Otto} went to Shoprite....taking a side trip to T.J. Maxx.....as my Mother loved to shop at T.J.Maxx and everytime I'm in that store, I fell like she is right there with me.....looking at all the items, finding the great deals.

When we returned, we quickly put the cold things away and then headed up to the little Chinese resturant in Long Valley [the roads were flooded when we came home and had to detour] to meet with my sister and brother and their families to celebrate my Mothers special day.

The children are all so beautiful...I know my Mother smiles down from heaven everyday at their sweetness and innocence. We sang for Mom [even though we did not have cake] but the song was so powerful and moving....each voice, of every person gathered, was rich in song......I truly felt like my Mother was there.

We then all headed to BaskinRobbins for Ice Cream....my Mother when I was younger always looked forward to her weekly outing with the girls to go bowling and then stop for Baskin Robbins ice cream [Katrina is now working at this one, but she was off tonight as she is house/pet sitting for a family]

We came home and got ready for bed....and here I am.

No pictures to upload.....only memories.

I had heard a dedication on NPR in the car on the ride home....it was for Kurt Vonnegut who passed away this week. They read a passge from Slaughterhouse-Five......and the reference to "And So it Goes".

Truly a message for me....in the struggles I have been having over the last two days working through the grief I carry at the loss of my Mother.

"And So it Goes".......our precious moments that we have shared in time still exist. Mom is in heaven now, but I will see her again....and her passing does not alter the moments we have shared....they are still as precious today as they were when we were living them.

and Mom.....I relive those moments over and over again. I can see your smile and hear your words. I watch the generous hearts of my children and I see their Nana in them.......

I love you.

12 comments:

Jeanne said...

Heartfelt hugs and understanding.........
I send you a world of good wishes for this rough jagged journey of grief for the loss of our beloved Mothers we and many others are travelling.
Love Jeanne

ostertaga said...

Oh, my heart lurches as I read your post..it's almost again the anniversary of Maddy's death..and we were out planting flowers in her flower bed too.

The pain can come in gushing waves and I'm glad you have brothers and sisters to encircle each other during this time.

(((HUGS)))

Amy

Kei said...

I feel your love and your pain through this. I still ache for my mom too.
Love & Hugs to you,
Kei

Michelle said...

Happy Birthday to your mom, and big huge hugs to you!

Kari said...

Sending love and hugs!

Carey said...

happy Birthday to your mom. what a beautiful post.

Rebecca said...

I was able to get the pc working today, not the best, but it's running.

I love you my dear friend. I hope you are having a better day today.

Much love, and many, many, hugs.

Annette said...

Much love to you on this bittersweet day. May memories of your Mother continue to give you joy.

((HUGS))
- Annette

jennifergg said...

In every post you write about her, I feel your love for your mother. I've almost said this several times, but I always chickened out. In honor of this, your mother's first birthday without her, I will finally say it: I envy you. I don't know what that kind of motherlove feels like; I try to give it to my kids, but I'm making it up as I go. I hope that some day, they miss me as much as you miss her. If they do, I got it right.
Thank you for sharing your relationship with her, even in the sadness, the love is so beautiful. It gives me hope.

Bennetts said...

I know just how you feel.... I did the samething a day Sunday. I miss my dad so much....
Everyone says it will get easier..I don't see how either.
Big Hugs to you,
Rose, Chases mom

Tammy and Parker said...

No words......just big hugs.

Princess Morgan said...

Just want you to know my heart aches for you & the loss of your mother. Hope some of the pain is lessened with precious memories. Happy Birthday to your mom.